rough.

Well, I've had a rough twenty four hours. To say the least. But I'm in an okay mood now so maybe words can come out more smoothly than before.
But sticking with a slight tinge of sadness, let's talk about wounds. Not like physical wounds, that's a whole other story, but emotional ones. Say you have been wounded and it's not very deep, but over time it grows and grows and keeps getting worse and worse. It becomes harder and harder to try to heal it, or even cover it up. Sometimes it gets to the point where you don't even bother trying to cover it up, because it's too deep, and perhaps it's become a part of you. So what do you do? Can you do anything? Or do you need participation from the wounder and the wounded? It's hard to say.

Three of my favourite movies of all time? ((in no particular order)) You probably have already guessed Breakfast At Tiffany's from my constant talk about Tiffany's&mean reds, but two more are Wristcutters: A Love Story and The Good Life. All three of them are movies you should watch, except maybe Breakfast at Tiffany's if you don't like chick flicks. But Wristcutters&The Good Life have such powerful messages, you might be changed forever--I know I was.  Both movies have my favourite (living) actor, Patrick Fugit. In Wristcutters he's the main character, and in The Good Life he's just a supporting character. The Good Life has my favourite (living) actress, Zooey Deschanel. They're such great movies with powerful messages, it saddens me to think that people may have watched them without ever looking deeper than the pretty people and images. It's movies like these that make you feel sick, in a good, heart-wrenching way that can change your views on life forever. I don't want to summarize them, because it wouldn't do the movies justice.

Speaking of Justice. What is Justice? Why are we Just? I miss my philosophy/theology class so much. I never really realized how lucky I was to be getting that kind of information at such a young age. Fortunately, I'm still quite young and have a lot of Time and a lot to learn. But then, there are several downsides to being young as well.

One is high school. You're forced to go. You really have no choice. And then when you get there, you're thrown into a room with a bunch of other kids who are forced to be there as well, forced to mingle with them, forced to study useless information (half of which you will never use in your life), and then allowed to leave. The worst part? The teachers. They don't care if you do well or not. They don't care if you're smarter than them or not. They're just there to do their job. Which is basically to not care. There are exceptions to every stereotype, and I hate stereotypes, but then there are people who fit the bill perfectly. And it's those people who piss ((peace... hahah.)) me off.

A second is judgments. I can't even tell you how many people I've met and had intellectual conversation with and then they ask how old I am, and from then on, they just write me off. Isn't it ridiculous? Okay, yes, half the fifteen year old girls I know are extremely immature and stereotypical, but then look deeper and you can find some really great people who are fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. In fact, I know several people who are 20+ years old with whom I have trouble conversing. Don't judge me by my age or my looks, you may be shocked at what you find.

Here's a poem I wrote in frustration:
Tears overflow like wine from a chalice
Not a person alive without a sense of malice
Running away like a bee runs from smoke
Heartbreak and yelling always causes me to choke
It’s time for a change, I can’t stand it anymore
This hurts beyond reason, right down to my core
My head is throbbing and heart beating fast
Still running and running away from the past
It’s something a song or a book cannot fix
I tried to force vinegar and oil to mix
Happiness with sadness, rain with sunshine
You want relief? Sorry, love, there’s a line
I refuse to bleed, I’ll write love on my arm
You’ll never see just how much you can harm
A person by yelling and taking away
All that they love… What reason is there to stay?
Funny how you can write to convey more than one point
From “Love” lost to a huge fight-it all can be joined
But this rhyme scheme is horrid and seems oh so happy
I need to stop before it gets too sappy.♥


audio ventus.♥

sometimes crying is beautiful and relieving...

And other times it just makes you feel even worse.
I haven't written on here in a few days, sorry.
I'm updating it now.
The mean reds finally caught up to me. I figure it's karma--karma for not believing in karma. Don't judge me, I can contradict myself all I like. Like I said, there's not a Tiffany's in Utah. I'm kind of lost.

Perhaps I need to sleep more and drink coffee less. But I don't think that would help my awful mood much. Here's what's on my mind: I know what I want before I know what I want, no matter how much I deny it. I just need to go through with it all the way. And then if I miss my chance and don't get it, I want it even more. And end up killing myself inside. I'm sure everyone knows something similar to the feeling.

I can't think intelligently while I'm upset, so sorry, this is going to be a short post. Hah. You're like,"Oh good, less for me to read and tell Maren it was great." For the record, I want your honest opinion. If you think my writing is awful and pointless, please tell me. That'd be greatly appreciated.

I'm reading a book called Darwin's Cathedral by David Sloan Wilson. It's really interesting. I know a lot of people who would hate it though. It all depends on your opinions on things. Do you believe in "God"? Honestly? Why do you believe? Please tell me, I won't argue, I just want to hear people's opinions. "Just because", "Because I have to", "Because it's true", and the like are unacceptable answers. Back up your opinion. Send me a message. I don't want to talk about my opinions on religion on here because that would just be awful. I would be angry at anyone who did that and told me to read it, so I won't. I figure if you want to know my opinion, you can ask.

One last thought:
Never make a person cry on purpose. On the surface, they're just tears. But look deeper, and you've impacted them in ways you may never understand. Never let a person make you cry. On the surface, they're just tears. But look deeper, and you've been changed in ways you may never understand. For better, or worse. Never cry on purpose, unless it helps you release. But never let tears hold you back.

audio ventus.♥

mean reds...

You know those days when you have the mean reds and the only thing that does any good at all is to go to Tiffany's? Too bad there isn't a Tiffany's store in SLC...

Here's the thing: today was such a mean reds day for everyone, I had to smile. Does that make any sense? The way I look at it, if everyone is down, the world can use one more smile to balance it out. People think I'm immature because I laugh and smile at everything. Or sometimes they misinterpret it as flirting. But really, I'm just being happy. Why not? There isn't enough laughing and smiling in the world, so adding a bit more makes sense. I just wish we were all little kids again. Little kids don't care what people think about them for laughing and smiling. It's considered normal. Why does it change as we grow older? Laughing and smiling isn't a sign of weakness. So why does everyone seem to treat it like one? That's ridiculous.

A lot of people were wearing navy blue shirts today. Well, a lot of guys. Haha. I love that colour. My nails are navy blue right now. But half the guys who wore shirts that were navy blue today looked fantastic. In some cases, it really brought out their eyes. I love when guys wear the colour navy blue. I know I just said that, but it's just one of those things that makes me happy, constantly. Boys, especially ones with blue eyes, wear blue!! I'll love you forever.

Another thing that makes me happy is receiving notes. That's why I write my friends notes so often! We get so caught up in texting and internet and calling people, no one ever sends letters anymore. When was the last time you got a letter in the mail? It's been quite a while for me... Which is why I write notes. It may not come in an envelope with a stamp, but it's folded creatively and it gets to the person ten times faster. Plus there are so many words in a note, each time you receive one, you're bound to smile at one point or another! And really, isn't smiling just fantastic? (:

Monday night I saw my school's production of The Boy Friend. The moral of the story was that if you don't have a boyfriend or fiance, you can never be happy. Does that make any sense at all? Why would you want your high school kids to go around thinking that? It's simply depressing. Angie was about in tears. It was not okay. Kudos to all the performers who made the best of the musical that they could.

Something I really *must* do in my life is see the northern lights. Even it's name is pretty: aurora borealis. Do you disagree? Again, it's just a miracle. Science says that if global warming keeps up, and the poles are moved and split, aurora borealis will be seen all over the world. Wouldn't that be awful? I can't stand the thought. It would be pretty cool for the magnetic force to completely reverse, but it's not worth it to go through who knows what, and sacrifice so much beauty the earth currently holds.

Isn't it funny how two people who are the same amount of years old can be so completely opposite from each other? I like to think myself fairly mature for a fifteen year old, and honestly, I can't stand half the people my age. Nature vs. Nurture? That probably plays a part in it. I don't feel like writing much on it right now, but I will eventually. I just thought it was funny.

I'm a singer, therefore I sing. I know, you never would have guessed, right? For singing, we warm our voices up. Just like an athlete warms up before a game. You have to warm up for most things in life, even though some things seem ridiculous. If you throw a frog into hot water, he will obviously jump out. Or die. One of the two. But if you slowly warm the water up, the frog won't be as shocked when the water is hot. I know that isn't exactly how that simile goes, but you get the point, I'm sure. Don't expect to jump into hot water and be able to stand it automatically. Warm yourself up to the "hot water" before attempting the activity. It might take several tries. It might just take thinking about it beforehand and preparation. Whatever "warming up" may mean for an activity, you can't reach your full potential without it.

Something I've been meaning to write about since I started this blog is music. It just kept slipping my mind. Isn't music amazing? Think about it: the song you're listening to has been heard by myriad other ears, interpreted millions of different ways, been a component in tons of significant events. You go see a band live, and you're now connected to every person who has ever seen the same band, because of the shared experience. Music can change lives. And that's a fact. I could find new things related to music to talk about all day. But some things are better left unexplained for a reader to contemplate on his/her own.

Even with beautiful things like the aurora borealis and music, there are also poisons. These poisons slowly feed off the beautiful things and deteriorate the miracles of life. There are so many different poisons, I can't even begin to name them. Poison is taking away the joy of writing letters and mailing them. Poison is stripping the beauty of nature. Poison is everywhere. Pessimistic: the poison is going to eventually kill us all. Optimistic: there's so much that the poison hasn't yet touched, or that we're at least trying to fight the poison, successful or not. Don't let the poison rule your life. It will seep in, but you can push it out by filling yourself with sweeter substances. Don't give up hope.

audio ventus.

two days...

I hate when my internet breaks... And it breaks all the time!!! It's awful!!
Well, life. Yesterday my theatre teacher gave us a light talk on preparation. We've been unprepared for the past week or so, which is unacceptable, but true. Yesterday we were all finally prepared. The assignment was to memorize Sonnet 64. ((sidenote: I'm really glad I wrote down a list of topics to talk about, since I would have forgotten otherwise)) There were some really amazing performances. Bottom line? Just be prepared.

I figure everyone who reads this is a friend and knows where I go to school, but just in case, I go to a performing arts school and I take three theatre classes. In theatre you have to let go, surrender to the text and character. You can't describe it any other way. It's hard to find, but you just have to go for it. It's not easy, but it's a fact. The thing is, once you've found it, life isn't easy from then on. You have to continue finding it, continue working for the freedom. You can't stop striving for that release, because when you do, you're giving up on your art. And if you give up on your art, then you shouldn't be in the art in the first place. Trying to figure it out is one thing, but if an art is your passion you can't give up on it, because you're hurting others' progress as much as your own. Art is meant to express feelings, and if you can't fully give yourself to the art, you aren't fully reaching your potential as an artist. In order to do that, you've got to let go.

I feel like I'm going to talk about movies a lot on here. Movie: Shakespeare in Love. I was thinking about it and the actor who portrays Shakespeare did a great job, considering. But while he was writing, I felt the script could have been more detailed, or the actor himself could have made different decisions. In the movie, the words just come to him out of nowhere. Even if the motivation was love. There's a huge difference between word vomit and contemplated thoughts. Perhaps Shakespeare really was just a complete genius and the words came naturally to him without any thought, but in my experience writing, if you truly care about what you're saying, you think about the words and phrases. Especially when writing in iambic pentameter, or with a rhyme scheme. Word vomit is more conversational. Listen to people in casual conversation and it'll become obvious that half the time, words come out of their mouths before they even register what they're saying. Then listen to people talking about an educational topic, and notice how they think through what they say before saying it. You can see it in most people's faces. They may be looking at the person speaking, but their minds are elsewhere. Making sure what they say sounds sufficiently intelligent.

Chemistry is awful. I don't understand why anyone would ever want to go into chemistry, but that's just my opinion. I absolutely despise my Honours Chemistry class. I shouldn't be required to learn things like the molar mass of Calcium Acetate. No one. Cares. I understand that people who go into things like chemistry are brilliant and they make significant scientific advances for the community, but I hate it. After I finish school, I can almost guarantee that I will never have to know half of the information I have to memorize. Performing arts does not call for skills like that. Go ahead and study chemistry. But don't force your information upon me.

Isn't timing amazing?  I find it so spectacular to think about what happens at specific times. Small things in the day that you don't normally experience, and if you had been one minute earlier or one minute later, you would have missed it? I love thinking about how fortunate I've been to be there for so many small miracles. Do you believe in miracles? I definitely do, perhaps not in the sense of gods turning water into wine, but natural miracles, definitely. Rainbows, for example. I understand that there's a science to every miracle, but why would I ever want to fully understand them? Time allows you to be privileged enough to view these events, and you go and try to recreate them? No. Each miracle is a gift, and you should treasure it while it's special. If you are able to see something every day, then that joy from seeing it is stripped away. Then there are those times when you just know you were meant to be there for a specific reason.

I was able to watch my friend, Angie, do a great thing today. We were on our way from coffee to drop another friend off at school for a rehearsal and we passed a woman on the street who was having some difficulties. She wasn't wearing shoes and she had one plastic grocery bag in her hand. As we were stopped at an intersection, she fell over. It looked as though she were having a heart attack. Angie jumped out of the car to see if she could help. The woman, obviously drunk, just kept saying, "No..." and tried to get up several times. The bag was filled with shot glasses. After trying to help several more times, Angie called the police to get the woman help. It's so sad to see what people's lives have come to because of intoxication. On the other hand, it's so beautiful to see someone who cares so much about life to change people like this. If everyone were like Angie, the world would be a beautiful place. Unfortunately, when most of today's society sees someone highly intoxicated like this woman was, they simply frown and shake their heads and do nothing about the matter. It's simple deeds like this that can change the course of a person's life forever. Then again, people like Angie are just like the aforementioned miracles. If everyone were like that, it wouldn't be as special to see someone helping a drunk woman on the side of the street.

Let's wrap today's blog up with a statement:
Find a friend who makes you happy no matter what, and hold them close. Don't care what other people say, don't care what people think. If you're happy, that's what really matters. You have a lot to learn from others, and you need to be open to those experiences. carpe diem. It's not an order, it's just a fact.

As one last thought, the stars hold as many answers and thoughts as the wind. Angie talks constantly about Astrology, and there's so much wisdom in it. I'm a Leo. Horoscopes often pinpoint my moods. But again, don't try to figure it out. It's better as a miracle.

We are born at a given moment, in a given place, and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and the season of which we are born. Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.

//Carl Gustav Jung.

audio ventus.

Ahhh! My internet is broken, and I have so much to write about!!! Ahhh!!! That is all.

what is the purpose?

audio ventus--listen to the wind.

My name is Maren. I'm not going to write an "About Me" here, but you can learn 'about me' through what I say. I'm not trying to force opinions on anyone. I'm not trying to insult anyone or anything. I'm just trying to express my thoughts. Because by releasing thoughts into the open, you never know who may be affected by a random string of words.

I'll start with my day. Skip the irrelevant parts. I went to see the tour of Avenue Q. The musical brings up the topic of finding one's purpose in life. Is there truly a purpose in life? Or are we all just 'mindlessly aiming' about, occasionally stumbling upon a significant event here and there? Is there a predetermined fate we all live under? Or do our decisions determine the course of our lives? The way I look at it, it's all like a road. All roads lead to Rome, but depending on which path you choose, the journey can have a drastically different outcome. You get to the final destination, death or afterlife, eventually, but you are still in control of the manner in which you travel. Don't live in the past, don't live in the future, just live one second of the day at a time. 

Each opportunity is like an egg lying on the ground. Each passing traveler may see the egg differently. One man (or woman, for that matter) may walk up to the egg, reach out, and take it, for personal gain or just out of common sense. He or she may eat the egg, sell it, or save it for later. Although it may have been a spur of the moment decision, he or she now has myriad possible next moves. Another person may see the egg and pause momentarily to debate whether to take the egg or not, and then pass. This person has decided against the opportunity and must now continue on his/her journey until the next opportunity arises. The person has perhaps now lost valuable time. A third person may walk right past the egg without even noticing it, distracted by another force. This  ignorance may have cost the person much happiness in the long run. Only if the person were to reform his or her ways, would he/she be able to benefit from future opportunities. A last person may be so insolent as to see, or not see, the egg and to step on it, crushing the opportunity. This person has not considered the uses for the egg, or had consideration for others who may have found good use for it. They have destroyed an opportunity for another.

We all have our moments of being each type of passerby, and we all seize different opportunities which shape the course of our lives. Recently, I rediscovered hope and the beauty in life. A close friend spoke to me about how you have to find the magnificence in the small things, find happiness in the world. So much can be changed by simply saying, "Okay, I'm going to do it." and then following through. You can't just sit and wait for things to get better because they never will. If you sit on the side of the road, you could wait forever for someone to pass who presents you with an 'egg,' but if you walk toward any specific destination, you increase your chances of happening upon that opportunity. 

So that's pretty much what's on my mind right now. I feel as though this writing makes me sound much more intelligent than I do when I speak. That's the beauty in putting words in a tangible form, you can think them through more thoroughly than when you say them out loud. And if you dislike them, you can simply delete the words before anyone else has to read them. There's so much knowledge in the world, you just have to be looking for it. Listen to the people around you. Listen to the lyrics of a song. Listen to the silence. Listen to the trees. Listen to the wind--it may lead you to something beautiful.♥