shocking, I know...

but I'm actually not at sugarhouse coffee!!
I'm at coffee break. hahaha. So have you ever walked outside and the weather and lighting somehow reminds you of a certain memory or time in your life? That happened to me yesterday afternoon... It was kind of strange lighting, and it was just barely warm... It reminded me so much of camping in the Ruby Mountains when I was little. Once while we were there there were some boys who caught a bunch of river snakes and gave one of them to my friend Alana and me. It seemed like the coolest thing ever at the time. Since then I've touched a lot of snakes though...

Last night I finished reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It was really good, I would definitely recommend it to anyone who loves mystery novels. I was extremely frustrated that I couldn't figure out how the girl disappeared, which I suppose is a good thing, but still. There was plenty of suspense and a ton of foreshadowing... though still not enough to give it away. I never would have been able to guess the ending.

I'm excited to start going boating again!! If this horrid rain stops, we're going on Monday (: daisy dukes bikinis on top!! I just love the sun... Unfortunately this is Utah and the weather changes every five minutes. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now. And I wish for summer. True summer.

Anyway, let's just say for a minute that the earth were flat and the universe were still centered around the sun... That's how I feel at the moment: like an object moving through space with too much surface resistance to actually get anywhere. That makes a lot more sense in my head. I'm just stuck. I can't write anything worth reading, and I can't listen to half my music ((my laptop was kindly broken by my little brother and I haven't transferred all my music onto this one yet)) except on my iPod which is currently dead.

I planned on dying my hair dark cherry chocolate colour ((reddish brown, if you prefer...)) but after I bleached it and washed the bleach out my hair was pretty fried. It ended up a reddish brown & blonde colour so I'm pretty content with it. I definitely like dark brown better though... I've never really approved of blonde asians, and this isn't really blonde, but it's pretty close...

I've been pretty lonely lately... not in the sense that I have no one to hang out with, but more that I don't have anyone to do anything more than hang out with. Let's rephrase: I need somebody to love.
((insert Donkeyboy song "Sometimes" here; but sometimes I need somebody who can make me feel all right, shades me from the streetlight, I'm breaking up, I need someone who needs somebody now.))
There's a huge difference in my definitions of lonely and alone. Alone is when you're completely empty--you have friends, but no one to be there for you, or even to fancy being there for you. Lonely is when you're just longing for someone's company. I'm not alone, I guess... but definitely lonely.

I'm reading Candide by Voltaire again for the first time since 7th grade. I've got to admit, it makes a ton more sense now than it did then. It brings up a lot of the same points as Plato's books, as well as books about Darwinism, but it does it in a completely different way, which makes it worth reading. I've always been a sucker for books with actual stories.

"Alas, it was love; love, the comfort of the human species; love, the preserver of the universe, the soul of all sensible beings; love, tender love!' ~Pangloss in Candide. 

Can you beat that? Destroyed by the one he loved. Don't know the story? well read it. What's a good book? I'm running out of things to read... Oh well, I'll just buy something and read it on the Kindle app on my iPod again (: I tend to be doing that a lot lately. So give me recommendations? good plan is good (:

audio ventus.♥

I stayed awake through the night again...

Replaying that night through my head...
I swear Letters & Lights songs get stuck in my head so often!! Well, I'm sitting here at sugarhouse coffee again... It isn't like I blog from anywhere else, you know... 24 oz iced americano with cream. story of my life. Anyway, SPA's prom was last night. It wasn't really last night but it feels like it since I didn't sleep last night... All right, so Saturday night was SPA's prom. We were out playing in the park at 10 am and prom ended at 11 pm. Then Sidni and Bobby and I went and took pictures with the city lights in the background up by Bailie's house if you know where that is... Good times (: Jeremy was my date. It was a lot of fun... I was exhausted afterward!! I took a ton of pictures, but unfortunately, I cannot find my camera cord ANYWHERE!! I searched for almost two hours straight... Oh well, it'll show up eventually; everything does with time.

Let's move on to books... I'm currently in the last section of Darwin's Black Box. It covers a lot of things that Darwin's Cathedral didn't. Most of the chapters go into excruciating detail on examples of theories or directly quote researchers' papers, so I don't really know how to summarize it. Let's just say that I've never been more glad that my blood clots correctly and that Bombardier beetles don't live in Utah.

Actually we'll describe those for a bit. Bombardier beetles are probably the most exciting bugs about which I've ever read. Not that I read about bugs very often, but you catch my drift. These bugs have developed a system in which they mix hydroquinine and hydrogen peroxide and then add catalase. The catalase causes the mixture to explode and heat up to a boiling temperature which is then released onto any threatening predator. Crazy right? I think so. I've probably learned more biology and biochemistry from this book than I have in all my years of school put together. Sad.

The other night I took the time to re-read Plato's The Symposium. It goes up pretty high on my all time favourite books list, right with The Republic and Candide ((by Voltaire... fellow coffee addicts unite!! Did you know Voltaire used to drink up to 70 cups of coffee a day? He thought it sparked his creativity.)). In The Symposium a lot of different arguments are brought up on the subject of Love, and Socrates' argument comes second to last. In case you didn't know, Plato always wrote in dialogue ((hence the term "Platonic dialogue")) because he didn't trust anything portrayed other than through speech. Each one of the men present at the symposium bring up different arguments, but I'm not going to describe them; you should take the time to read the arguments sometime yourself. However, I will throw in some mythology since it seems to be getting quoted quite a lot lately. It's an interesting twist on creation. Basically what Aristophanes, one of the speakers, describes is an alternative creation in which each human being was more circular and had two heads, four arms, four legs, etc. There were originally three sexes, male, female, and androgynous. Zeus was unhappy with their disobedience and their lack of sacrifice, so he struck each being in half with lighting bolts. Each being walked around bleeding from the center until Zeus took pity on them and had Apollo close them like drawstring bags, leaving only a small indentation on their stomachs as a reminder of their punishment. Each half-being wandered the earth searching for their other part, the males searching for males, the females searching for females, and the androgynous beings each searching for their counterpart. In this way, Aristophanes gives an explanation for homosexuality, which is later discussed by the men, stating that, "Those who are cut from the male gender go for males. While they are boys, because they are slices of the male gender, they are attracted to men and enjoy sleeping with men and being embraced by them. These are the best of their generation, both as boys and young men, because they are naturally the bravest. ... Here is clear evidence that this: men like this are the only ones who, when grown up, end up as politicians." Isn't it interesting how society has changed? Especially in Utah, where people get arrested for kissing on Temple grounds...

That's all for now, since I want to read more... Let's end on a note of jewelry shall we? My August birthstones are peridot, sardonyx, diamonds, onyx,& tourmaline. As a Leo, my Zodiac birthstone is onyx. I wear an onyx ring on my right index finger. Some of the powers onyx is said to hold include eliminating negative thoughts, relieving stress, promoting spiritual inspiration, and sharpening the wits. Sounds like a good plan right? I think so. You should go look up your birthstones too!!

Shoutout to Sara Best for reading my blog (: you're pretty dank.
Don't ask. Just know I love you dearly!!

audioventus.♥

do not block crosswalk...

still at sugarhouse. stillllllll at sugarhouse.
I moved up to the top level in order to not be around so many noisy old people
for some reason there were a lot of noisy old people down there....
"Do Not Block Crosswalk" was the first thing I saw when I opened up a new post, so that's the title of this. Spontaneous. Kind of like my thoughts when I haven't slept. You know how it goes.
I'm now drinking a dirty chai. It's lovely. A bit sweet though, and super expensive... sigh. so much money spent today!!
ON NOTHING BUT COFFEE. how awful.

Okay. So I made my dress for Highland's prom. It turned out really well, considering I had two days.

That is the dress!!! And... I'm on the right. Far right. Just in case you didn't know. And looook at that corsage! (:

Back to whatever I wasn't really saying. I have successfully completed the first chapter of my BYU Chemistry packet. Have I expressed before how much I hate Chemistry? I hate it. A lot. I hate it with a deep, fiery, burning passion. It's all ridiculous. I'm never going to need to know the ....no I'm never going to need to know most of it. No one really cares about it. Unless you're a chemist. In which case, kudos to you, cause you obviously have some sort of willpower that I lack.

It's almost 2 o clock... that means I'll have been here for six hours. That's not even remotely okay. I'll leave soon... I'm hungry, and I don't want to buy myself food. Not at all. I really do need a job... I really wish someone would hire me underage. I wish I had my driver's license and a car. These are all things that would benefit my life greatly. I don't understand how people are so patient with age.

I created a facebook page for my band, Idyll Rigamarole, the other day. We don't have all that many fans... Which makes me quite sad. But it takes time, I suppose. Unfortunately, we don't have all that much time. The album is set to come out in July, and I don't know what is going to happen after that since the whole thing is through a program, and half our band is going off to college... Here's a picture of the band:

pretty hot right? you know you want to come to all our shows now (:
**cough** May 15th at Nobrow Coffee @ 7 pm. Be there. **cough**

I have absolutely nothing intelligent to say.
Still. I'm just rambling.
I apologize.

audio ventus.♥

and here we go...((full of angst.))

live it loud.
Well, I'm sitting in Sugarhouse coffee again. Earlier than EVER. Anyway, my whole morning has been SHIT. I try not to swear on this blog for fear of offending unknown people I don't care about ((that doesn't make sense, I just feel like it's more professional to not swear...))

(((dear reader, skip to next break if you don't want to read my pointless thoughts ramble mindlessly aiming chocolate photography nail polish navy blue.... what was I talking about?)))
I guess it would have helped to actually sleep last night but I'm not tired at all, wasn't tired at all, won't be tired for a good twelve hours. That's just how I work. Basically I got up, got dressed, did hair & makeup, ate a banana, did three shots of espresso since the fourth one got knocked over by my dog, wrestled my bike out of the storage room in my garage, froze my hands off on the way to coffee garden, spent $7 on coffee there including one mocha with a ton of extra sugar for my friend, started toward highland, coffee spilled all over my purse from Argentina, spilled all over my TOMS or rather one of my TOMS ((that's okay, it kind of gives them character.)) made it to 2100 S, coffee spilled again, decided it wasn't worth it, turned around and came here.
This is all ridiculous. It really isn't that ridiculous but I wasted $7, then paid another $3 for ANOTHER coffee. THAT is ridiculous. I should have just gone to coffee break in the first place.
So here's the scoop:
Saturday I rode my bike 14 miles. That might be why I have no patience for it today. It was a spontaneous ride and I loved it, but I'm still sore from it. I got a few pictures in, but then I ran out of film... I spent most of the day riding with my best friend and we had about ten dollars for the day. We went to sugarhouse on our bikes, got Wendy's for like $3, then wandered through Toys R Us, then went to Shopko and spent the best $7 of my life. We got a huge bag of PixyStix, some other new disgusting Wonka candy, and lollipops. The lollipops mostly ended up on the side of Toys R Us cause we crushed them against the brick wall... because they were absolutely revolting. It was basically corn syrup. ...just corn syrup. But we ate part of them just for the hell of it. I swear, I eat the worst food ever while I'm with Sidni. Maybe I'm just more conscious of it while I'm with her... Oh well.
Here's my train of thought:
..................~...........3............f.................w.............?............z........>......(..............$........$....$.....%.......t........k.........w............b............n.......x..........ugh.
Also, this packet I have to do for Chemistry ((BYU packet)) is horrid.
I want to take a gun and shoot multiple bullets through the binder.
Actually... just through the paper. The binder has done me no harm. In fact, it's quite a lovely binder.

All right here's some ((kind of)) intelligent sounding stuff. Not really. I really want Urban Decay purple lipstick, I've decided. I got some dark purple lipstick the other day and I absolutely adore it.
 ((I've also come to the realization that I really like the word "absolutely" even though it's not really what I mean. I tend to use a lot of words like that.... So whenever I say "absolutely _______" you should know I just mean "really, really _______" because I don't believe anything can ever be absolute unless you believe in a god.)) Nothing is really all that more attractive about Urban Decay lipstick other than the fact that it's got a really cute tube, the name reminds me of when I was a little kid ((all right, I'm still a little kid, LET IT GO PEOPLE!!!)) and it's vegan. And I'm not vegan. I'm vegetarian. But I still like the idea of it. Just like I really, really absolutely want vegan shoes!!

They're kind of... scary looking. But again, love the idea! And the flower at the end of the top one is super cute!! There are different designs too.
Here's the thing about going vegan though:
In my personal opinion, all it takes is a person deciding to go vegan and basically starving themselves because there are not all that many options of food. All right, you might be hardcore and really do your research and have the money to ensure every thing that goes into your mouth has never touched meat. But who has that kind of money and still wants to go vegan? I mean, you've got to have your own silverware that has never touched meat, own fridge, own glasses... Who wants to do that? I'm so tired of kids younger than I am going around telling people they're vegan. Kids at my high school too. Why is it so appealing?
I'm vegetarian, all right, no it's not for the animals, yes I respect animals, no I don't think animal cruelty is right, yes I think some things could be done differently on both sides, no I don't do it just to tell people, yes I have been vegetarian for more than a year ((it's actually almost been two now...)) and no I don't care if you eat meat. Here's what people need to understand: I'm going to go off and do my own thing for my own reasons, and I'll respect them enough to let them do the same for themselves. Go ahead and suggest things for me, I'm always open to opinions, but do not force your opinion upon me. Cause it'll just make me want to punch you in the face. Promise.
On to music... I really do like all genres of music. I think anyone can like any type of music if they give it enough of a chance... except maybe screamo. I can see that really hurting people's ears... Personally I think it's kind of relaxing and a release, but like I said, you can have your opinion, and I'll keep mine. I dislike certain artists because of their lyrics or their voice just rubs me the wrong way or other completely explainable reasons. I hate when people ask what kind of music another person likes and that person replies, "Oh, I like everything... except ______." Ask that person what music of that genre they've tried to listen to in their library, they'll probably come up blank except for a random song to which they have probably only half listened. I used to say I hated the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, Spice Girls, N*SYNC, et cetera. One day I put the time into actually listening to some of them--they really aren't all that bad. Even if the image is rough, these are people who are giving it their all to perform and record these songs. I think if a song really means enough to a person to write it and record it, it's worth the three minutes to hear what they have to say.
I'll stop writing for now since I've got to go get another coffee... wooooo more money...
And I'm going to be here all day. And this is the only place from which I blog. ((yay for correct grammar... me learn-ed englisch goodly on highland high school yeah?)) plus me can end blog in final note who soundses goodly way for to end paragraph. that was end.

audio ventus.

“and let them pass,

as they will too soon

with the bean flower’s bean

and the blackbirds tune

and May and June”

 Robert Browning

Dear Utah... 

STOP HAVING SUCH BIPOLAR WEATHER!!!!!

that's all for now.

audio ventus.♥

April skies drizzle
Why is it so cold today?
May should be warmer.

I'm gonna make it, make it better...

well... it's Wednesday. It doesn't feel like Wednesday. Tomorrow will be Thursday, Thursday, oh no it can't be!
I'm eating Noodles&Company and sitting in sugarhouse coffee, I've got a nice iced americano waiting for me too. Today was busy. Woke up at 5, did a coffee run, went to school for rehearsal, sat through Theatre I/II, went to voice for the actor, sat in Modern I, and then Modern II, and then got noodles and came here. It was a pretty nice day!! The rain is slightly obnoxious after a while, but it always makes me happy when my hair is damp (:

Modern II was interesting. My best friend choreographed a piece for her upcoming dance concert that tells the story of some stuff that happened over the summer... I almost cried. The girls dancing with her are all amazing. It may need to be cleaned a bit, but I'm sure they can pull it together. Dancing is amazing... I just don't have the time to learn the technique. I do miss it though.

I'm so tired of sitting around doing nothing. I want to go do something exciting, truly exciting. Something that I'll actually remember twenty years from now if I'm still alive. That sounds like a good plan. I mean, there's no excitement in sitting at a coffee shop blogging... But I can't think of anything better to do, so here I am.

This rain is washing the pollen away. Isn't that fantastic? I forgot to take an allergy pill this morning too! Life must have decided to do me a favour. Do you believe in Karma? I do, in a way. Not in the sense that if you do something good for someone else, another act of kindness will be returned to you by someone, but in that no matter how good things may be going, it's always going to have downsides, and however bad it may seem, something good will come along eventually.

Prom is on Friday. That means I have approximately two days to finish my dress. Which means I should probably make a trip to the fabric store... probably in two hours ago. That would help. I'm pretty good at procrastination. But I really do need to finish the dress. Seeing as prom is Friday...
I'll buy a dress for SPA's Prom in May, but Highland's Prom isn't as big a deal to me. It's been a while since I designed anything anyway, so it's good for me.

The other night I made a super cute mix tape/CD/playlist for a friend. It's not anything special, other than that it illustrates a story pretty well. I hope my friend understands it, at least partially. It's got some good music on there. I should make mix tapes more often!!

I've decided that I really like the word "pristine." It just sounds so... crisp.
Yesterday was 4/20. I don't celebrate that though. The only thing 4/20 means to me is my ex's birthday, Hitler's birthday, other tragedies, and that the next day is April 21. I don't really understand why 4/20 is such a big deal. It honestly seems pretty ridiculous to me. But who knows, it's not my place to tell people what to do with their lives.

Also, yesterday, my band ((Idyll Rigamarole)) played on Park City TV with my friend's band ((The Direction.)) It went pretty well, and we had a lot of fun. Then I went to Marmalade with the Direction while they played a second show. There were a lot more people I knew there than I was expecting. All in all, I've had a pretty decent week so far, and hope it continues in the same manner.
Sans rain. I could definitely do without that.
Even if it is kind of, kind of nice.

audio ventus.♥

bye bye birdie♥

she bit her lip in contemplation
anticipation
of his reply
as she sipped her bitter sweet coffee
reminiscent of summer days
spent on the east coast
aimlessly minding about
without a worry, mindlessly aiming
golden sunrise to brighten
enlighten
to new paths
in case the coffee loses its taste
so longing for the summer days
spent on the east coast
aimlessly minding about
without a worry, minding aimlessly
help me find my destination
don't end my vacation
I need those sunny summer days
spent on the east coast
aimlessly minding about
without a worry, minding aimless
aimlessly minding
every day on the east coast♥

it's called a haiku...

springtime blossoms bright
music carried by the wind
I want to meet you.♥

birds flyin high...♥

you know how I feel, sun in the sky, you know how I feel, breeze driftin on by, you know how I feel, it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feelin good!! I'm feelin good... fish in the sea, you know how I feel, river runnin free you know how I feel blossom on a tree, you know how I feel...
ALLERGIC TO SPRING!!!
Oy vey. this pollen nonsense is killing me. I'm on allergy medicine, but it takes a few days to start working apparently, cause I'm still dying. Hardcore... Like, all right plants and trees, you look all pretty, but do you really have to reproduce? It makes my eyes water and my nose run and I sneeze every thirty seconds... I'm okay with it for a few days, but the entire season is a bit much, don't you think?

I'm ((guess where?)) sugarhouse coffee. of course. Just finished uploading pictures from my morning adventure with my friend Jeremy... Who made me wake up at five o clock to bring him coffee and hang out with him before school. Which first of all, on a normal day I wouldn't even have to be to school until 9:05... But today was even a late start day. So my class didn't start till 10:05... This is just unacceptable. So very unacceptable.

I really have nothing interesting to write about at all. Let's see... Michael Buble has been the soundtrack to my life for days straight. It's on repeat and probably has gone through both Crazy Love and It's Time almost twenty times each. Absolutely love it!! It's just the sort of music I sit in my room, turn up the speakers all the way, and belt it at the top of my lungs! all the lyrics are just so cute. And true.

Isn't it funny how one of the places I'm in love with is one of my "power countries" according to my Zodiac sign? ((I'm a Leo!!)) Italyyyyy sounds so lovely right now. Who wants to let me come live with them? Please and thank you! I miss Italy so much. Especially the food. Gelato&real pizza every day of my life? Sounds like a fantastic plan. Never had it? Well, you're definitely missing out.

I really want to get a job... Unfortunately, I'm too young for most places to hire. I could really do with the extra money though. Oh well, just a few more months. Being young is a privilege, but it's a curse at the same time. No one takes you seriously, and things are always either too serious, or not serious enough. Personally, I don't think it makes any sense at all, but every man to his own. I know plenty of twenty or thirty year olds who are less mature than fifteen year olds. Not to say that's always the case, you just have to get to know people. Which is why I am so frustrated at not being able to get a job yet.

 All the things I can think of right now aren't very interesting...
Bearable to read about, I suppose, but
Creativity is not coming easily at the moment since I
Don't really have anything on my mind...
Except for Michael Buble & music!!
Forget everything else, just
Grab your coffee and Turn On Billie, or rather anything that makes you
Happy, and give thinking a rest since there's going to be
Inevitable stress in your day, no matter what... but don't look at life as a
Joke since in the end we will all be
Killed, making all our friends and loved ones
Lament and cause a
Myriad of butterflies to be crushed, but
Never forget the
Optimistic point of view, everyone has a
Positive influence on someone in some point during their
Quintessential life which
Reflects on someone else, although it may be
Suppressed behind a mask of
Tyranny, forcing one to appear
Unapproachable when one's intentions may be
Vindicated; the point is, a person's life cannot possibly be
Wasted since, unless you have severe
Xenophobia and live without
Zest, secluded in a room away from everyone else,
you will have changed someone's life.

audio ventus.♥

let's talk about you, let's talk about me...

let's talk about us and what we could be?
it's another beautifully warm day and I am again sitting in Sugarhouse Coffee drinking my iced americano and just finished reading a selection from Art & Fear. Here's my favourite quote of the day:

"When bankers get together for dinner, they discuss Art.
When artists get together for dinner, they discuss money."
--Oscar Wilde

It seems so obvious, but when you think about it, it's true. When I sit down with my friends from school, we never talk about performing arts except perhaps to congratulate someone on a good performance or our doubts about an audition. Sometimes we all need a break from our Passions and social gatherings usually do fall under the category of a break. I absolutely adore theatre and singing and writing, but I don't want to talk about them 24/7. You really can wear yourself out, even concerning things you love.

I can't focus right now... But I'm having a fantastic conversation about visual art.
More later? Perhaps.

audio ventus.♥

you can only act upon your purpose
whether it be internal, external, or the purpose to find your purpose
so don't compromise my journey--I'll return the favour.

back to basics

Okay, so I know it's been a while since my last post, mostly due to the fact that I have been lacking in the laptop possession department, but I'm sitting at Sugarhouse Coffee drinking a 24 oz iced americano ((of course)) and thinking. I was going to come and read, but this seems just as productive. All right. So, this might sound extremely superficial, but I dyed my hair ((yes, again)) and now it's back to almost my natural colour. Maybe slightly lighter, and a little bit red still in the sun. Anyway, it's kind of weird to me. I feel almost exposed. My hair hasn't been its natural colour for a long, long time, and now that it is, I can't decide whether I like it or not. Either way, it's basically me, so I have to learn to accept it or try to change it. And considering my track record with hair dye, the best bet is probably to just accept it.

I'm sitting in front of a painting called "BUTTON" by Colleen B. Crotty. It depicts a pair of hands on a pottery wheel forming a clay pot. Here's the thing: my adoptive mother is a potter. Has been her whole life. And I've been working with clay since before I can even remember. However much I love working with clay and doing visual art, be it painting or drawing or ceramics or anything else, it's still my mother's "thing" and I need to get away from it. I've branched off to performing arts, but I still do visual art sometimes as a hobby. I absolutely adore the Annual Utah Foster Care Chalk Art Festival ((CAF)) that I participate in during the summer. My team has gotten the People's Choice Award both years we've competed, and we participated once as featured artists. I just love the way you have total control over what you're creating with your hands, and the way that a simple movement can cause the entire visual to change, for better or worse. You might not always get the result for which you're looking, but either way it's still art. You can't define "art" for another person, and there are infinite opinions you may be overlooking. Don't judge your creations before you look at them from a different perspective, because you might find something beautiful and inspiring within your art that you didn't even mean to convey. 

"It's eleven thirty... eleven twenty three actually, I never could say accurately what time it is exactly..."

Dirty Socks by Erin Haley. That's completely irrelevant to anything I had to say, but it's exactly 11:23 and that song popped into my head, so I thought, 'Might as well jot it down.' Look her and her band ((La Farsa)) up. They're pretty great (: Also, the outlet I have my laptop charger plugged into obviously doesn't work since... well... it's not turning on or charging. I just bought a "Go Green" laptop charger that's supposed to save energy. Plus you have to turn the charger itself on and off, so it doesn't waste energy while it's just plugged in. Pretty cool right? Sure, if you want to spend $90 on a laptop charger.

Album of the month: She & Him--Volume Two. I've loved She & Him for a long time, since a few months after their first album came out, and everyone should know how much I love Zooey Deschanel, so this probably shouldn't be much a surprise. I just find so many of their lyrics applicable to my life, and I love the overall sound. Kind of similar to my own music? That probably has something to do with it. Must say though, I'm not a huge fan of the music video for "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here." The one for "In the Sun" is all right, but could have been cleaned a bit. Props to Zooey and M. Ward for approaching a different sound in a day where everything has to sound like Lady GaGa. No offense to Lady GaGa, whom I adore, it's just that her songs ((not her Stefani ones or her acoustics, but the ones on the radio)) are a good example of the standard of popular music. 

Altruism (āl'trōō-ĭz'əm) 

n. 

1. Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.

2. Zoology Instinctive behavior that is detrimental to the individual but favors the survival or spread of that individual's genes, as by benefiting its relatives.

That book I read, Darwin's Cathedral, brought up the topic of altruism more often than it mentioned a god. Personally, I think altruism is really interesting. Altruism brings up the argument of "unselfish" human gestures, in which we must define "unselfishness." Look again at Plato's The Republic ((I know, going there again.)) The question is asked, "What is Justice?" and also "What are the intentions of the Just?" Both altruism and Justice are debatable because they are not easily defined, and people's intentions may not be pure, even if the act seems to be altruistic or just. For example, if a person takes away a friend's pack of cigarettes with the excuse that the friend is trying to quit, but then the person intends on smoking the pack of cigarettes him/herself, should they have taken the cigarettes at all? 

I drove to school today.

It was scary.

But exciting (: I'm already better than half my friends!! That's not saying much though. I've always figured it's super easy to crash a car, but I guess not. You have to be pretty unobservant or distracted. Brings to mind that super cheesy quote, "With great power comes great responsibility." It's not that I'd never driven before, just that intersection on 1300 E 2100 S is ridiculously busy. Plus I know of a girl who was killed in that intersection while driving. Not exactly the happiest thoughts while you're driving through the same intersection every weekday.

That's all I really have to say right now cause I'm a bit distracted. Coffee shop and all. I love writing in coffee shops, but I'm superbly tired today and just can't focus!! I'll try to write more later, if I don't get too busy with band practice and more coffee. Till then

audio ventus♥

rough.

Well, I've had a rough twenty four hours. To say the least. But I'm in an okay mood now so maybe words can come out more smoothly than before.
But sticking with a slight tinge of sadness, let's talk about wounds. Not like physical wounds, that's a whole other story, but emotional ones. Say you have been wounded and it's not very deep, but over time it grows and grows and keeps getting worse and worse. It becomes harder and harder to try to heal it, or even cover it up. Sometimes it gets to the point where you don't even bother trying to cover it up, because it's too deep, and perhaps it's become a part of you. So what do you do? Can you do anything? Or do you need participation from the wounder and the wounded? It's hard to say.

Three of my favourite movies of all time? ((in no particular order)) You probably have already guessed Breakfast At Tiffany's from my constant talk about Tiffany's&mean reds, but two more are Wristcutters: A Love Story and The Good Life. All three of them are movies you should watch, except maybe Breakfast at Tiffany's if you don't like chick flicks. But Wristcutters&The Good Life have such powerful messages, you might be changed forever--I know I was.  Both movies have my favourite (living) actor, Patrick Fugit. In Wristcutters he's the main character, and in The Good Life he's just a supporting character. The Good Life has my favourite (living) actress, Zooey Deschanel. They're such great movies with powerful messages, it saddens me to think that people may have watched them without ever looking deeper than the pretty people and images. It's movies like these that make you feel sick, in a good, heart-wrenching way that can change your views on life forever. I don't want to summarize them, because it wouldn't do the movies justice.

Speaking of Justice. What is Justice? Why are we Just? I miss my philosophy/theology class so much. I never really realized how lucky I was to be getting that kind of information at such a young age. Fortunately, I'm still quite young and have a lot of Time and a lot to learn. But then, there are several downsides to being young as well.

One is high school. You're forced to go. You really have no choice. And then when you get there, you're thrown into a room with a bunch of other kids who are forced to be there as well, forced to mingle with them, forced to study useless information (half of which you will never use in your life), and then allowed to leave. The worst part? The teachers. They don't care if you do well or not. They don't care if you're smarter than them or not. They're just there to do their job. Which is basically to not care. There are exceptions to every stereotype, and I hate stereotypes, but then there are people who fit the bill perfectly. And it's those people who piss ((peace... hahah.)) me off.

A second is judgments. I can't even tell you how many people I've met and had intellectual conversation with and then they ask how old I am, and from then on, they just write me off. Isn't it ridiculous? Okay, yes, half the fifteen year old girls I know are extremely immature and stereotypical, but then look deeper and you can find some really great people who are fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. In fact, I know several people who are 20+ years old with whom I have trouble conversing. Don't judge me by my age or my looks, you may be shocked at what you find.

Here's a poem I wrote in frustration:
Tears overflow like wine from a chalice
Not a person alive without a sense of malice
Running away like a bee runs from smoke
Heartbreak and yelling always causes me to choke
It’s time for a change, I can’t stand it anymore
This hurts beyond reason, right down to my core
My head is throbbing and heart beating fast
Still running and running away from the past
It’s something a song or a book cannot fix
I tried to force vinegar and oil to mix
Happiness with sadness, rain with sunshine
You want relief? Sorry, love, there’s a line
I refuse to bleed, I’ll write love on my arm
You’ll never see just how much you can harm
A person by yelling and taking away
All that they love… What reason is there to stay?
Funny how you can write to convey more than one point
From “Love” lost to a huge fight-it all can be joined
But this rhyme scheme is horrid and seems oh so happy
I need to stop before it gets too sappy.♥


audio ventus.♥

sometimes crying is beautiful and relieving...

And other times it just makes you feel even worse.
I haven't written on here in a few days, sorry.
I'm updating it now.
The mean reds finally caught up to me. I figure it's karma--karma for not believing in karma. Don't judge me, I can contradict myself all I like. Like I said, there's not a Tiffany's in Utah. I'm kind of lost.

Perhaps I need to sleep more and drink coffee less. But I don't think that would help my awful mood much. Here's what's on my mind: I know what I want before I know what I want, no matter how much I deny it. I just need to go through with it all the way. And then if I miss my chance and don't get it, I want it even more. And end up killing myself inside. I'm sure everyone knows something similar to the feeling.

I can't think intelligently while I'm upset, so sorry, this is going to be a short post. Hah. You're like,"Oh good, less for me to read and tell Maren it was great." For the record, I want your honest opinion. If you think my writing is awful and pointless, please tell me. That'd be greatly appreciated.

I'm reading a book called Darwin's Cathedral by David Sloan Wilson. It's really interesting. I know a lot of people who would hate it though. It all depends on your opinions on things. Do you believe in "God"? Honestly? Why do you believe? Please tell me, I won't argue, I just want to hear people's opinions. "Just because", "Because I have to", "Because it's true", and the like are unacceptable answers. Back up your opinion. Send me a message. I don't want to talk about my opinions on religion on here because that would just be awful. I would be angry at anyone who did that and told me to read it, so I won't. I figure if you want to know my opinion, you can ask.

One last thought:
Never make a person cry on purpose. On the surface, they're just tears. But look deeper, and you've impacted them in ways you may never understand. Never let a person make you cry. On the surface, they're just tears. But look deeper, and you've been changed in ways you may never understand. For better, or worse. Never cry on purpose, unless it helps you release. But never let tears hold you back.

audio ventus.♥

mean reds...

You know those days when you have the mean reds and the only thing that does any good at all is to go to Tiffany's? Too bad there isn't a Tiffany's store in SLC...

Here's the thing: today was such a mean reds day for everyone, I had to smile. Does that make any sense? The way I look at it, if everyone is down, the world can use one more smile to balance it out. People think I'm immature because I laugh and smile at everything. Or sometimes they misinterpret it as flirting. But really, I'm just being happy. Why not? There isn't enough laughing and smiling in the world, so adding a bit more makes sense. I just wish we were all little kids again. Little kids don't care what people think about them for laughing and smiling. It's considered normal. Why does it change as we grow older? Laughing and smiling isn't a sign of weakness. So why does everyone seem to treat it like one? That's ridiculous.

A lot of people were wearing navy blue shirts today. Well, a lot of guys. Haha. I love that colour. My nails are navy blue right now. But half the guys who wore shirts that were navy blue today looked fantastic. In some cases, it really brought out their eyes. I love when guys wear the colour navy blue. I know I just said that, but it's just one of those things that makes me happy, constantly. Boys, especially ones with blue eyes, wear blue!! I'll love you forever.

Another thing that makes me happy is receiving notes. That's why I write my friends notes so often! We get so caught up in texting and internet and calling people, no one ever sends letters anymore. When was the last time you got a letter in the mail? It's been quite a while for me... Which is why I write notes. It may not come in an envelope with a stamp, but it's folded creatively and it gets to the person ten times faster. Plus there are so many words in a note, each time you receive one, you're bound to smile at one point or another! And really, isn't smiling just fantastic? (:

Monday night I saw my school's production of The Boy Friend. The moral of the story was that if you don't have a boyfriend or fiance, you can never be happy. Does that make any sense at all? Why would you want your high school kids to go around thinking that? It's simply depressing. Angie was about in tears. It was not okay. Kudos to all the performers who made the best of the musical that they could.

Something I really *must* do in my life is see the northern lights. Even it's name is pretty: aurora borealis. Do you disagree? Again, it's just a miracle. Science says that if global warming keeps up, and the poles are moved and split, aurora borealis will be seen all over the world. Wouldn't that be awful? I can't stand the thought. It would be pretty cool for the magnetic force to completely reverse, but it's not worth it to go through who knows what, and sacrifice so much beauty the earth currently holds.

Isn't it funny how two people who are the same amount of years old can be so completely opposite from each other? I like to think myself fairly mature for a fifteen year old, and honestly, I can't stand half the people my age. Nature vs. Nurture? That probably plays a part in it. I don't feel like writing much on it right now, but I will eventually. I just thought it was funny.

I'm a singer, therefore I sing. I know, you never would have guessed, right? For singing, we warm our voices up. Just like an athlete warms up before a game. You have to warm up for most things in life, even though some things seem ridiculous. If you throw a frog into hot water, he will obviously jump out. Or die. One of the two. But if you slowly warm the water up, the frog won't be as shocked when the water is hot. I know that isn't exactly how that simile goes, but you get the point, I'm sure. Don't expect to jump into hot water and be able to stand it automatically. Warm yourself up to the "hot water" before attempting the activity. It might take several tries. It might just take thinking about it beforehand and preparation. Whatever "warming up" may mean for an activity, you can't reach your full potential without it.

Something I've been meaning to write about since I started this blog is music. It just kept slipping my mind. Isn't music amazing? Think about it: the song you're listening to has been heard by myriad other ears, interpreted millions of different ways, been a component in tons of significant events. You go see a band live, and you're now connected to every person who has ever seen the same band, because of the shared experience. Music can change lives. And that's a fact. I could find new things related to music to talk about all day. But some things are better left unexplained for a reader to contemplate on his/her own.

Even with beautiful things like the aurora borealis and music, there are also poisons. These poisons slowly feed off the beautiful things and deteriorate the miracles of life. There are so many different poisons, I can't even begin to name them. Poison is taking away the joy of writing letters and mailing them. Poison is stripping the beauty of nature. Poison is everywhere. Pessimistic: the poison is going to eventually kill us all. Optimistic: there's so much that the poison hasn't yet touched, or that we're at least trying to fight the poison, successful or not. Don't let the poison rule your life. It will seep in, but you can push it out by filling yourself with sweeter substances. Don't give up hope.

audio ventus.

two days...

I hate when my internet breaks... And it breaks all the time!!! It's awful!!
Well, life. Yesterday my theatre teacher gave us a light talk on preparation. We've been unprepared for the past week or so, which is unacceptable, but true. Yesterday we were all finally prepared. The assignment was to memorize Sonnet 64. ((sidenote: I'm really glad I wrote down a list of topics to talk about, since I would have forgotten otherwise)) There were some really amazing performances. Bottom line? Just be prepared.

I figure everyone who reads this is a friend and knows where I go to school, but just in case, I go to a performing arts school and I take three theatre classes. In theatre you have to let go, surrender to the text and character. You can't describe it any other way. It's hard to find, but you just have to go for it. It's not easy, but it's a fact. The thing is, once you've found it, life isn't easy from then on. You have to continue finding it, continue working for the freedom. You can't stop striving for that release, because when you do, you're giving up on your art. And if you give up on your art, then you shouldn't be in the art in the first place. Trying to figure it out is one thing, but if an art is your passion you can't give up on it, because you're hurting others' progress as much as your own. Art is meant to express feelings, and if you can't fully give yourself to the art, you aren't fully reaching your potential as an artist. In order to do that, you've got to let go.

I feel like I'm going to talk about movies a lot on here. Movie: Shakespeare in Love. I was thinking about it and the actor who portrays Shakespeare did a great job, considering. But while he was writing, I felt the script could have been more detailed, or the actor himself could have made different decisions. In the movie, the words just come to him out of nowhere. Even if the motivation was love. There's a huge difference between word vomit and contemplated thoughts. Perhaps Shakespeare really was just a complete genius and the words came naturally to him without any thought, but in my experience writing, if you truly care about what you're saying, you think about the words and phrases. Especially when writing in iambic pentameter, or with a rhyme scheme. Word vomit is more conversational. Listen to people in casual conversation and it'll become obvious that half the time, words come out of their mouths before they even register what they're saying. Then listen to people talking about an educational topic, and notice how they think through what they say before saying it. You can see it in most people's faces. They may be looking at the person speaking, but their minds are elsewhere. Making sure what they say sounds sufficiently intelligent.

Chemistry is awful. I don't understand why anyone would ever want to go into chemistry, but that's just my opinion. I absolutely despise my Honours Chemistry class. I shouldn't be required to learn things like the molar mass of Calcium Acetate. No one. Cares. I understand that people who go into things like chemistry are brilliant and they make significant scientific advances for the community, but I hate it. After I finish school, I can almost guarantee that I will never have to know half of the information I have to memorize. Performing arts does not call for skills like that. Go ahead and study chemistry. But don't force your information upon me.

Isn't timing amazing?  I find it so spectacular to think about what happens at specific times. Small things in the day that you don't normally experience, and if you had been one minute earlier or one minute later, you would have missed it? I love thinking about how fortunate I've been to be there for so many small miracles. Do you believe in miracles? I definitely do, perhaps not in the sense of gods turning water into wine, but natural miracles, definitely. Rainbows, for example. I understand that there's a science to every miracle, but why would I ever want to fully understand them? Time allows you to be privileged enough to view these events, and you go and try to recreate them? No. Each miracle is a gift, and you should treasure it while it's special. If you are able to see something every day, then that joy from seeing it is stripped away. Then there are those times when you just know you were meant to be there for a specific reason.

I was able to watch my friend, Angie, do a great thing today. We were on our way from coffee to drop another friend off at school for a rehearsal and we passed a woman on the street who was having some difficulties. She wasn't wearing shoes and she had one plastic grocery bag in her hand. As we were stopped at an intersection, she fell over. It looked as though she were having a heart attack. Angie jumped out of the car to see if she could help. The woman, obviously drunk, just kept saying, "No..." and tried to get up several times. The bag was filled with shot glasses. After trying to help several more times, Angie called the police to get the woman help. It's so sad to see what people's lives have come to because of intoxication. On the other hand, it's so beautiful to see someone who cares so much about life to change people like this. If everyone were like Angie, the world would be a beautiful place. Unfortunately, when most of today's society sees someone highly intoxicated like this woman was, they simply frown and shake their heads and do nothing about the matter. It's simple deeds like this that can change the course of a person's life forever. Then again, people like Angie are just like the aforementioned miracles. If everyone were like that, it wouldn't be as special to see someone helping a drunk woman on the side of the street.

Let's wrap today's blog up with a statement:
Find a friend who makes you happy no matter what, and hold them close. Don't care what other people say, don't care what people think. If you're happy, that's what really matters. You have a lot to learn from others, and you need to be open to those experiences. carpe diem. It's not an order, it's just a fact.

As one last thought, the stars hold as many answers and thoughts as the wind. Angie talks constantly about Astrology, and there's so much wisdom in it. I'm a Leo. Horoscopes often pinpoint my moods. But again, don't try to figure it out. It's better as a miracle.

We are born at a given moment, in a given place, and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and the season of which we are born. Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.

//Carl Gustav Jung.

audio ventus.

Ahhh! My internet is broken, and I have so much to write about!!! Ahhh!!! That is all.

what is the purpose?

audio ventus--listen to the wind.

My name is Maren. I'm not going to write an "About Me" here, but you can learn 'about me' through what I say. I'm not trying to force opinions on anyone. I'm not trying to insult anyone or anything. I'm just trying to express my thoughts. Because by releasing thoughts into the open, you never know who may be affected by a random string of words.

I'll start with my day. Skip the irrelevant parts. I went to see the tour of Avenue Q. The musical brings up the topic of finding one's purpose in life. Is there truly a purpose in life? Or are we all just 'mindlessly aiming' about, occasionally stumbling upon a significant event here and there? Is there a predetermined fate we all live under? Or do our decisions determine the course of our lives? The way I look at it, it's all like a road. All roads lead to Rome, but depending on which path you choose, the journey can have a drastically different outcome. You get to the final destination, death or afterlife, eventually, but you are still in control of the manner in which you travel. Don't live in the past, don't live in the future, just live one second of the day at a time. 

Each opportunity is like an egg lying on the ground. Each passing traveler may see the egg differently. One man (or woman, for that matter) may walk up to the egg, reach out, and take it, for personal gain or just out of common sense. He or she may eat the egg, sell it, or save it for later. Although it may have been a spur of the moment decision, he or she now has myriad possible next moves. Another person may see the egg and pause momentarily to debate whether to take the egg or not, and then pass. This person has decided against the opportunity and must now continue on his/her journey until the next opportunity arises. The person has perhaps now lost valuable time. A third person may walk right past the egg without even noticing it, distracted by another force. This  ignorance may have cost the person much happiness in the long run. Only if the person were to reform his or her ways, would he/she be able to benefit from future opportunities. A last person may be so insolent as to see, or not see, the egg and to step on it, crushing the opportunity. This person has not considered the uses for the egg, or had consideration for others who may have found good use for it. They have destroyed an opportunity for another.

We all have our moments of being each type of passerby, and we all seize different opportunities which shape the course of our lives. Recently, I rediscovered hope and the beauty in life. A close friend spoke to me about how you have to find the magnificence in the small things, find happiness in the world. So much can be changed by simply saying, "Okay, I'm going to do it." and then following through. You can't just sit and wait for things to get better because they never will. If you sit on the side of the road, you could wait forever for someone to pass who presents you with an 'egg,' but if you walk toward any specific destination, you increase your chances of happening upon that opportunity. 

So that's pretty much what's on my mind right now. I feel as though this writing makes me sound much more intelligent than I do when I speak. That's the beauty in putting words in a tangible form, you can think them through more thoroughly than when you say them out loud. And if you dislike them, you can simply delete the words before anyone else has to read them. There's so much knowledge in the world, you just have to be looking for it. Listen to the people around you. Listen to the lyrics of a song. Listen to the silence. Listen to the trees. Listen to the wind--it may lead you to something beautiful.♥